Applying Grace

A year or two ago I did a sermon series on "embracing grace." At the time, my understanding of grace was mostly about with my relationship with God, regarding morality, obedience, spiritual disciplines, etc. I have had quite an epiphany this past week while riding in an enclosed space (a car) with two family members for 5 days straight.

Let me share how it all happened:
I spoke harshly to my daughter while she was driving and she said I was being "derogatory"...which I really didn't understand. But as I mulled that over, I realized that I was talking down to her. So with hours of driving ahead and behind me, I did some more mulling and praying. Where did that "talking down" originate? What was at the root of my attitude? Why did I do such a thing? Then as I pondered, I realized that my loving wife had told me that I was harsh with her sometimes. I thought some more, I had also been very harsh with my oldest daughter all through out her childhood, coming especially down on her when she didn't meet my expectations or did something wrong. In fact, I recalled becoming angry when someone spilled something or made a mess.

As I prayed about it, I realized that I had very little tolerance for errors in my own life. I would get "down" on myself when making mistakes at volleyball, or golf (which is why I only played golf once). I hated failure. But worse than that, I hated MYSELF when I failed.

Then, as we were driving back to Jennifer's old home today, I picked the wrong lane and grumbled. Jennifer made a statement, along the line of "it's okay to be wrong." And the revelation clobbered me. I had applied grace only to my "spiritual life" (as if it could be separated from the rest)...but never to my expectations of myself. I refused God's grace in the areas of my daily "performance." It was so obvious, it was painful.

Later, I tearfully asked Jennifer for forgiveness for all the years of my grace-less living. It seems that we treat others the way we treat ourselves. I hated my own mistakes and failures, and I reacted very harshly to others' failures and shortcomings (not so much moral but rather their performance issues). I had refused grace and therefore had little or none to offer to anyone else.

So today, my prayer was to ask God to apply His grace to every area of my life, every performance issue, every failure, every expectation, and to RECEIVE that grace instead of rejecting it. Perhaps God will help me understand the source of my rejection of His grace in this area of my life...but until then, I want to swim in His grace and apply it to every area of my life!